Snow? In March!?

Some weirdo American scientists think that global warming is a bit of a myth.
Even though they had a record number of hurricains killing record numbers of people and turning large cities into flooded wastelands.

Anyway, I don't care about that.
When I was a lad, the seasons and weather were "normal". Now it's just so screwed up who knows what it's going to be like.
Here's what the months used to be like when I was a lad:

January : Cold, possible snow
February : Cold, slight risk of snow.
March : Spring arrives. Flowers grow. It gets a little warmer. Rains more.
April : Lots of rain.
May : Starts warming up. Summer is almost here!
June - August : Gets super warm. Lots of sunshine. Thunderstorms at night time.
September - October : The leaves fall off the trees, it gets colder and darker earlier.
November : Cold, dark, windy and wet.
December : Cold, possible snow.

Nice, easy, almost predictable seasons and months of the year. I remember them well.
Here's how it is now though:

January : Scotland cut off from huge blizzards. Parts of the Midlands and south flooded.
February : Suddenly the sun comes out and flowers start to grow thinking it's spring. Wasps and flies make an early appearance.
March : Hard ground frosts cancel the early spring. Schools close in Wales because of snow. Hosepipe bans in the south east of England due to drought.
April : It rains. Millions of homes are underwater. Spring arrives!
May : Overcast and rainy.
June - August : Hosepipe bans in full effect, scorched earth, leaves falling off the trees fighting to survive in another summer of record temperatures.
September - October : Autumn. Still warm.
November : Biting frosts and sub zero temperatures.
December : Cancelled trains and gridlocked roads because it snows.

Anyway, can't wait for summer. I'll get the top down and those record temperatures will do cracking things to my tan.

Wardrobe

I've been called a big girl with the way I get ready to go out.
My routine before work on Friday night, for example, goes something like this:
1) Go in the loft and do some weights and stuff for 20-30 minutes. I bore of it quick.
2) 15 minutes shaving my head.
3) 10 minutes making sure there's no rogue hairs growing out of stupid places on my body. Why do men get nose hair so bad? I'm sick of ripping the damn things out.
4) Shower, probably for 10 minutes.
5) 30 minutes throwing clothes around my room not knowing what to wear.
All together, that's almost 90 minutes of messing around, which is approximately 80 minutes too long for a guy.
Although, apparently, it makes me a "Metrosexual": a man who has a strong aesthetic sense and spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance. Ace.

Anyway, turns out that the 20-30 minutes in my loft gym have made half the clothes I own no longer fit me.
Granted, I didn't like wearing them in the first place which is why it's taken about 4 months to figure out they no longer fit.
I tried on a few long sleeved t-shirts, and if I flexed my arm I was in danger of ripping through the material like a better-looking version on the Incredible Hulk.
Ok maybe not quite like that but it was close.
So I've got a pile of clothes I need to give to charity again. I'll do it tomorrow. I'd rather sell them and make some cash, but that'd be too much effort and I wouldn't get enough to justify that effort.

The great thing about my wardrobe though is I've got loads of designer hoodys brought back from New York, and a ton of funky shirts. Proper button shirts. The sort of shirt I didn't used to like wearing, but now I do thanks to that 20-30 minutes working out every other day.

In conclusion, if you want to be a skinny rake and have everything in the world fit you, don't work out.
If you're prepared to spend a couple of hours a week working up a sweat you'll get a better body and clothes will look better on you. The downside is your tastes will become more expensive.

Now excuse me while I go and put my Armani jocks and CKs in the washing machine.

Cars Vs Pedestrians

It took me a while to think of this, but I've decided that 90% of all people killed or injured by motorists while crossing the road must be a complete moron. And yes, I will explain why.
This comes from sitting watching the TV and seeing advert after advert targetting the motorist for everything bad that happens to people on the road. I'm sick of it. The government should be targetting the people that carelessly take their lives into their own hands by not looking where they are going, not the motorist who is driving as careful as is humanly possible.

Did you know the single biggest killer of all 13 to 16 year olds in the UK is traffic? An interesting statistic indeed.
There's two possible reasons for this:
A) When a teenager aged between 13 to 16 crosses the road, fast moving vehicles are suddenly drawn toward them. Cars, trucks, even buses dodge other road users and pedestrians in an attempt to kill them.
B) 13 to 16 year olds are absolute morons when it comes to crossing the road and don't look where they're going.
I'm going to guess it's B that's the truth.
13 to 16 year olds aren't being targetting by motorists.
13 to 16 year olds are the worst at crossing the road.

Let's look at this simple diagram:


For me to come to a standstill from 30mph, it takes 75ft/23m of road and 3.5 seconds.
The little chav on the right hand side wouldn't be hit.
However, if he moves up to position B he'd be going to hospital with possibly head injuries and scrapes.
Between position A and B he'd be going to hospital for sure with broken bones. The closer to position A he gets hit, the more likely he is to die.
Between position A and the front of my car, he's dead meat.

3.5 seconds to stop from 30mph.
If I wasn't breaking, I'd travel that 75ft/23m distance in approximately 2 seconds.
What kind of crazy fool steps out in front of half a ton of fast moving metal giving themselves less than 3.5 seconds to get to safety?
For you to die, you'd have stepped out in front of my car with less than 1 second to get from the side of the road and out of the path of my car. And that is impossible.
To escape with serious injuries, you've got approximately 1.5 seconds to get out of the way.

That, in a nutshell, is why kids die on the road.
Yes a lot of drivers go too fast. But lets not get distracted from the blindingly obvious: you're more likely to be killed by a vehicle if you are on the road and in the way rather than standing on the pavement waiting for a safe time to cross.

Guess how many people were killed by landing aeroplanes on the runway last year.
Zero. That's because people know that to step out in front of a plane is suicide. A runway is a dangerous place to be.
Guess how many pedestrians were killed by speeding trains in 2004.
1 - And that was down to a faulty level crossing. That's because people know that you don't walk on railway lines unless you want to die.
Guess how many child pedestrians were killed as a result of not knowing how to cross a road.
2,339. That figure is down purely to getting in the way of a car driving at the speed limit, taken from the Department of Transport official figures.
Every single one of those deaths could have been avoided if they'd stopped at the kurb and used the Green Cross Code. Stop, look, listen, think. I remember it from being a kid, so what are they being taught now?

Nursery Rhyme 'Un PC'

I have an extendable baton. I've never used it.
However, I'd love to be locked in a room with whoever came up with this.
Some nursery schools in Oxfordshire have renamed the tradional nursery rhyme "Baa Baa Black Sheep" to "Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep".
Why?
Because it apparently alienates young black children.
I mean, come on! What planet are these people from?
I want to hear the other changes to popular nursery rhymes, like Humpty Dumpty surviving his fall from the wall so as not to upset kids.

But hey, if we're going to start being so pedantic with our political correctness, let's not do things by halves. Let the madness begin...
To protect children from their ethnic origins, we need to fully outlaw the use of the words Black, Brown, and to be certain we don't offend the Chinese we should include Yellow.
So as not to be seen as being too positive in our discrimination, we'd better ban the word White.
I don't know how we'd replace these words, but hopefully the government will introduce a multi-billion pound committee to oversee the changes. It'd be their job to seize all literature containing the afformentioned words and burn them before being reprinted. It'd be like the words never existed!

I have to wonder if someone didn't point out to the weirdos that invented the rainbow sheep that black sheep actually exist.
It's not like the nursery rhyme goes like this:

"'Baa Baa Nigga Sheep,
Have you any wool?'
'Word ma homeboy! 3 bags full, yo!"

Now if that was the nursery rhyme, ban it's sick ass and lock up the writer. But not me 'cos I just did it as an example.
Black sheep aren't racist. They are sheep with black wool. And because some sheep have black wool doesn't mean little kids will be offended.

Anyway, I just wish I was in the room where this idea was born. I'd have shown them my baton close up; It's metal is a lovely shade of black.

Source: http://www.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30100-13512455,00.html