Babies

Why do people, especially new parents, insist on telling everyone about their new baby and how cute it is?
I don't want to see pictures of your baby with a cute teddy or wearing a silly hat.
I don't think your wrinkly crap-machine that sucks every penny of your income is in any way beautiful.

Parents with kids a little bit older are worst. Inflicting their stories about how they said something "funny".

I was standing in a queue last week, and there was a couple with two kids in a pram. The queue was a bit spread out; not a line, more of a bunch.
Anyway, the people in front of the couple were pulling faces at the babies and making them laugh. 6 adults pulling faces. So the parents found the babies gurgles funny and were smiling. It was making me cringe, so I turned away.
Only there were several old people behind me and a few other couples, ALL of them were smiling and making "Awwww" noises about the babies laughing.
I was literally surrounded by people who seemed to gravitate towards babies like they were about to give them a million quid.
It was literally making me feel sick.

I know people who've had babies. I've watched the girl turn into some frumpy mess. Their houses are dirty and have a weird smell to them. They drive crap cars, have old belongings, and their holidays have to be child-friendly.

I've been told by these people - particularly the ones showing me their latest "cute" baby pics - that I'm missing out.
When I climb into my convertible sports car, spend a ton of my disposable income on an expensive manly gadget, and wonder about whether to go away for a few days just for the hell of it, I'll remember how much I'm missing out. As I watch my 52" high definition plasma screen I'll wish how I was spending several thousand pounds a year on nappies and baby food instead.

Anyway, I'm going to play Fight Night Round 3 on my 360 with a cool can of Coke, safe in the knowledge I don't have to feed anything or be disturbed by ear piercing screams in 10 minutes time.