How to create peace in the Middle East

They have a real problem with us Westerners don't they? Why?
Because they're jealous, that's why. I can't think of any other explanation, and I've been racking my considerable brain for a very long time.
Lets take a look at the main reasons why the Middle East mostly hates us:

The Women
Now lets be honest here, chaps: would you want to have sex with that? Really?
No wonder the men would rather blow themselves up than live a decent family life with that waiting for them at home.
Maybe if the women made more of an effort, the men wouldn't be so frustrated as to want to destroy Western culture.
But then it isn't really the woman's fault though is it. It's the men who decide what the woman does. They have no freedom of thought or expression.
Welcome to hell, ladies! There's no wonder more women are now suicide bombers.

The Home
With any luck your home hasn't been hit by an Israeli gunship, bazooka'd by a crazy Palestinian, bombed by the Americans, or used as a terrorist refuge by their neighbours.
Your toilet is a hole in the back room. If you use a flush, it's chucking a bucket of water in the general direction of the mess.
With sand blowing in through the glassless windows, you huddle on the floor and enjoy your only means of entertainment: Arabic prayer singing on the wireless.
Then later on, mother slops the daily sewage into the street for the kids to play in, before dad takes his AK-47 and goes firing it in the air for no reason.

Transport
There isn't much to say here really.
Cars from Western society are obviously frowned upon. So it's old Eastern Bloc design. 1970's Lada all the way, maybe a good old Yugo.
Pollution a-plenty on roads fit for nothing but donkeys.

Tourism
That's right folks! Climb aboard the bus and watch out for someone wearing baggy clothes. What's that? They all wear baggy clothes!? Well, any one of them could blow up at any second!
Buses, cafes.... pretty much anywhere crowded is an ideal place to explode that C4 strapped to your stomach and kill as many innocent people as possible to further your cause.
Hell knows what their cause is. No doubt something to do with America.

With all the crap in their world, who do they lash out at? Why, the people who have everything better than them, that's who!
We have a better quality of life, drive better cars, live in cosy houses, and don't have scary looking men with huge moustaches strutting down the road with firearms.
Because their lives and countries are so naff, they take it out on us.

We need to drag this sorry part of the the planet out of the Stone Age and introduce it to the civilised world.
The women need to be allowed to be their own people and dress in clothes that reveal a bit of leg - shaved leg that is.
Ikea need to open a few stores over there and get them to take a bit of pride in their homes.
McDonalds would do a roaring trade. Introduce Pepsi to the masses, and Playstation and Neighbours and Christianity.
If the Middle East were more like the West, they wouldn't have any of the problems they have now. And we wouldn't have terrorism to fear because they would actually want to make a better life for themselves rather than destroy those of us who have what they don't.
It would take a long time, and they probably wouldn't want helping because they like to kill each other; it's the uncivilised way they live.

The people of the Middle East need to ask themselves this question:
Why is that we're the oldest civilisation on the planet with the most expensive and abundant natural resource that every other country needs, yet we're mostly living in mud huts and our most prized possession is a donkey?
I'd love to know what their answer is.

Actually, screw that. Here's a nice quick and simple solution for the Middle East problem: